Dot your "i"s and cross your "t"s: social politics

This is the 3rd time in about a week that I have sat down to write a new blog.  Each time has been a different subject matter.  So, what's my problem?  Honestly, I'm trying to make sure I don't cross any finely drawn social boundary lines - a hazard of small town living in particular.  *Digression: Let me tell you something that all new people to small town living quickly, or eventually (depending on how fast they assimilate) come to realize:  social politics are huge!  Everyone knows everyone and word gets out fast if someone really messes up or says the "wrong" thing.  I find it very difficult to be me naturally, for fear I'll say something wrong or unacceptable to the norm of the area.  It can be exhausting walking that high wire through the mind field. End of digression.*  I know I probably shouldn't care what other people think, but I can't help it - I'm a people pleaser.  I come from a long line of people pleasers: my mom, her mom and, for all I know, her mom.  It must be hereditary.  And I like the friends I'm making here.

Have you ever had someone in your life who, for some reason you cannot for the life of you figure out why, doesn't like or avoids you, even if they initially were friendly?  Example: 3rd grade.  A new girl, we'll call her Suzie, comes to school and I, being the friendly 8 year-old I was, introduce myself and try to make a new friend.  She made my life hell from then on through high school.  At one point, I even thought she would follow me to college (she was accepted to the small college I was going to).  I never once said anything mean or rude to the child, but she made it her mission to tease and/or mock me every chance she got.  She even "took" a friend of mine (who said she had to pretend not to be my friend in front of said girl - ouch).  Our 8th grade year, there was another new girl, who I did become friends with.  Suzie sucked her into her little spider web, wrapped her up in her silk, and hung her out to dry.  Having been on the receiving end of Suzie's venom, I knew what the other girl was going through and I was glad she still considered me a friend. She has stayed a friend all these years and, though I haven't seen her in many years (she lives in another country now), I do miss hanging out with her.  As for Suzie, she probably doesn't remember being cruel to me (I still don't know what I did to incur her wrath while no one else did) and I really try in my heart of hearts to forgive her, but it's a challenge.

Okay, so Suzie wasn't friendly in the beginning, but let's explore an ex-boyfriend, they're usually very nice in the beginning.  Let's call him George (his name has been changed to protect...oh let's just say it's because I'm a nice person).  George was my best friend from sophomore year in high school through my senior year (his freshman year in college).  I kid you not, we called and talked to each other on the phone every single night for over a year straight.  I went to his senior prom, I went to one of his college formals, we went to a wedding together out of state (separate rooms!).  We were inseparable.  He was my first love.  I vehemently denied he was my boyfriend (I don't know why, so don't ask!), until we decided to "officially" date the summer between my senior year in high school and my freshman year in college.  For some reason, the "official"-ness of it all kinda killed a little bit of what we had, so we "broke up", but remained friends.  Things were fine until the first few weeks of college, then he didn't want to talk to me on the phone or even see me at holiday breaks.  I asked him why he didn't want to talk to me.  His answer: "We have nothing to talk about."  I was crushed.  What did I do?  To this day, I still don't know.  And a couple of years later, he has the nerve, at a homecoming game, to say when he sees me: "Hey Stranger!"  All I could think of was my mother's voice saying: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" (Yep, I told him that too).  And I was thinking so many not so nice things, like: It's YOUR (insert appropriate curse word) fault we're "strangers"!  Now, I kindly refer to him as "The Jerk".  So "George", if you ever read this, what the hell did I do?!

We've moved a few times, and I've had a few people give me the cold shoulder after I initially thought a friendship was possible.  I think on them, search my memory for something I might have said or done to offend, and I honestly cannot think of anything so heinous that would warrant a sudden cut off of communication.  So, I ask anyone of those people from Detroit on (we'll call Suzie from grammar school a wash): Tell me, what did I do to warrant the social cold shoulder?  If I offended you, or had a social misstep, I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention.  Mea Culpa.

Excuse me, I need to go and find my people pleaser happy place.

Mothers!

Ah May...You are probably one of my favorite months.  And not just because you're my birth month, but because you are the epitome of spring!  You almost always guarantee warm weather, strawberries are ripe and ready to pick, you have the 3 day weekend at the end, pools open, the end of school is just around the corner and flowers are abundant.  And Mother's Day.  While I realize Mother's Day is a Hallmark holiday and every day our children are with us is a Mother's Day in it's own right (as long as I see my kiddos smile at me every day, I'm good to go!), it is nice to have the day's intentions acknowledged.  Yes, even though we say "Oh I don't need anything!  I have you guys!", secretly, we want to the handmade cards and gifts from school, the burnt toast in bed, and the dandelion bouquet from the garden.

Last year, our son made Mother's Day last a good month!  The week leading up to it and a couple of weeks following, any time he found a flower at school, he would pick it and save it for when I came to pick him up.  When I arrived he would present me with the buttercups or clovers and say "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!"  My heart would melt and it would be Mother's Day all over again.

Years ago, before our son was born, many people told me that when I had kids, not to take any moment for granted.  From the time our son was born, I have really tried not too.  I try to make sure I treasure the moments, even those when, as a baby, he was screaming for no apparent reason; when he tests boundaries; when he asked why for the millionth time; or when he tries to negotiate his way out of or into something.  I try to hug, kiss and snuggle him whenever he wants to because I know there might come a day when he doesn't want Mommy to touch him (perish the thought!).  He knows it too, because he sometimes uses bedtime hugs and kisses to delay going to bed - it kills me to tell him no more!  With our baby girl, I'm trying to do the same thing.  When she wakes up in the middle of the night, I drag my reluctant butt out of bed and go to her, because for some reason, she needs me.  How long will she need me like that? I also realize that boundaries do need to be set, and sometimes Mama needs to be firm and not (contrary to what her heart says) give in or be permissive, because we want our children to grow up to be self-sufficient adults who still love us because we set those boundaries and gave them guidelines.  But I don't think an extra snuggle here or there is going to spoil any progress.

There are mothers who have lost their little ones this year who will not have their children to hug, kiss, snuggle, scold and teach this Mother's Day.  They are still mothers, they are just mothers to angels.  They carried a child for some amount of time, and that makes them a mother.  Our first pregnancy made an angel, and I was heartbroken that first Mother's Day.  I should have been holding a baby in my arms that day.  But, God had other plans.  Little did I know but at the time, I was pregnant with our son!  Because I had to have a D&C with our first pregnancy, that first little life help to make a clean home for his/her little brother.  Does that mean I forget that first pregnancy? Nope. Not a chance.  That little one will always be with me.

So, this Mother's Day, whether your kids are big or small, snuggle them a little longer, play with them, cook with them, let them burn your toast and pick flowers out of your garden - they are the reason you celebrate this day!